Smelly Vampire
A Screenplay by Jane Doe
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - AFTERNOON
Beautiful banker SIAHARA SHYNE CARTER is arguing with remarkable mechanic MASTER FOREST BALL. SHYNE tries to hug FOREST but he shakes her off.
SHYNE
Please Forest, don't leave me.
FOREST
I'm sorry Shyne, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
SHYNE
I am such a person!
FOREST frowns.
FOREST
I'm sorry, Shyne. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
FOREST leaves.
SHYNE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, energetic private detective MR CAMERON PLATT barges in looking flustered.
SHYNE
Goodness, Cameron! Is everything okay?
CAMERON
I'm afraid not.
SHYNE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
CAMERON
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire trick a bunch of elderly ladies!
SHYNE
Defenseless elderly ladies?
CAMERON
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
SHYNE
Bloomin' heck, Cameron! We've got to do something.
CAMERON
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
SHYNE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
CAMERON
I was...
CAMERON fans himself and begins to wheeze.
SHYNE
Focus Cameron, focus! Where did it happen?
CAMERON
Tate Modern, St Ives! That's right - Tate Modern, St Ives!
SHYNE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
SHYNE rushes along the street, followed by CAMERON. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - SHORTLY AFTER
DICK SWEET a smelly vampire terrorises two elderly ladies.
SHYNE, closely followed by CAMERON, rushes towards DICK, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
CAMERON
What is is? What's the matter?
SHYNE
That's not just any old vampire, that's Dick Sweet!
CAMERON
Who's Dick Sweet?
SHYNE
Who's Dick Sweet? Who's Dick Sweet? Only the most smelly vampire in the universe!
CAMERON
Blinkin' knickers, Shyne! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most smelly vampire in the universe!
SHYNE
You can say that again.
CAMERON
Blinkin' knickers, Shyne! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most smelly vampire in the universe!
SHYNE
I'm going to need sliver rifles, lots of sliver rifles.
Dick turns and sees Shyne and Cameron. He grins an evil grin.
DICK
Shyne Carter, we meet again.
CAMERON
You've met?
SHYNE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young SHYNE is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees DICK. She takes off her headphones.
DICK
Would you like some white mice?
SHYNE's eyes light up, but then he studies DICK more closely, and looks uneasy.
SHYNE
I don't know, you look kind of smelly.
DICK
Me? No. I'm not smelly. I'm the least smelly vampire in the world.
SHYNE
Wait, you're a vampire?
SHYNE runs away, screaming.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - PRESENT DAY
DICK
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
CAMERON
(To SHYNE) You ran away?
SHYNE
(To CAMERON) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
SHYNE turns to DICK.
SHYNE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
SHYNE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
SHYNE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with sliver rifles.
DICK
I'm not scared of you.
SHYNE
You should be.
INT. A SWEET SHOP - LATER THAT DAY
SHYNE and CAMERON walk around searching for something.
SHYNE
I feel sure I left my sliver rifles somewhere around here.
CAMERON
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly sliver rifles.
SHYNE
You know nothing Cameron Platt.
CAMERON
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, DICK appears, holding a pair of sliver rifles.
DICK
Looking for something?
CAMERON
Crikey, Shyne, he's got your sliver rifles.
SHYNE
Tell me something I don't already know!
CAMERON
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
SHYNE
I know that already!
CAMERON
I'm afraid of sausages.
DICK
(appalled) Dude!
While DICK is looking at CAMERON with disgust, SHYNE lunges forward and grabs her deadly sliver rifles. He wields them, triumphantly.
SHYNE
Prepare to die, you smelly potato!
DICK
No please! All I did was trick a bunch of elderly ladies!
FOREST enters, unseen by any of the others.
SHYNE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Shyne Carter defender of innocent elderly ladies.
DICK
Don't hurt me! Please!
SHYNE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these sliver rifles on you right away!
DICK
Because Shyne, I am your father.
SHYNE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
SHYNE
No you're not!
DICK
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
DICK tries to grab the sliver rifles but SHYNE dodges out of the way.
SHYNE
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, DICK slumps to the ground.
CAMERON
Did he just faint?
SHYNE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly sliver rifles.
SHYNE crouches over DICK's body.
CAMERON
Be careful, Shyne. It could be a trick.
SHYNE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Dick Sweet is dead!
SHYNE
What?
SHYNE
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
CAMERON claps his hands.
CAMERON
So your sliver rifles did save the day, after all.
FOREST steps forward.
FOREST
Is it true? Did you kill the smelly vampire?
SHYNE
Forest how long have you been...?
FOREST puts his arm around SHYNE.
FOREST
Long enough.
SHYNE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Dick Sweet.
FOREST
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
SHYNE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.
FOREST
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to SHYNE.
SHYNE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Dick Sweet will never trick elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
FOREST
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes SHYNE a shiny necklace
FOREST
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
SHYNE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
SHYNE
Well, if you insist.
SHYNE takes the necklace.
SHYNE
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
SHYNE turns to FOREST.
SHYNE
Does this mean you want me back?
FOREST
Oh, Shyne, of course I want you back!
SHYNE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
SHYNE
Well you can't have me.
FOREST
WHAT?
SHYNE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
FOREST
But...
SHYNE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Cameron.
CAMERON grins.
FOREST
But...
CAMERON
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
FOREST
Shyne?
SHYNE
I'm sorry Forest, but I think you should skidaddle.
FOREST leaves.
CAMERON turns to SHYNE.
CAMERON
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
SHYNE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly CAMERON stops.
CAMERON
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?
THE END
Beautiful banker SIAHARA SHYNE CARTER is arguing with remarkable mechanic MASTER FOREST BALL. SHYNE tries to hug FOREST but he shakes her off.
Please Forest, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Shyne, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
FOREST frowns.
I'm sorry, Shyne. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
FOREST leaves.
SHYNE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, energetic private detective MR CAMERON PLATT barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Cameron! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire trick a bunch of elderly ladies!
Defenseless elderly ladies?
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
Bloomin' heck, Cameron! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
CAMERON fans himself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Cameron, focus! Where did it happen?
Tate Modern, St Ives! That's right - Tate Modern, St Ives!
SHYNE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
SHYNE rushes along the street, followed by CAMERON. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - SHORTLY AFTER
DICK SWEET a smelly vampire terrorises two elderly ladies.
SHYNE, closely followed by CAMERON, rushes towards DICK, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old vampire, that's Dick Sweet!
Who's Dick Sweet?
Who's Dick Sweet? Who's Dick Sweet? Only the most smelly vampire in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Shyne! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most smelly vampire in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Shyne! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most smelly vampire in the universe!
I'm going to need sliver rifles, lots of sliver rifles.
Dick turns and sees Shyne and Cameron. He grins an evil grin.
Shyne Carter, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young SHYNE is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees DICK. She takes off her headphones.
Would you like some white mice?
SHYNE's eyes light up, but then he studies DICK more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of smelly.
Me? No. I'm not smelly. I'm the least smelly vampire in the world.
Wait, you're a vampire?
SHYNE runs away, screaming.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To SHYNE) You ran away?
(To CAMERON) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
SHYNE turns to DICK.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
SHYNE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with sliver rifles.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
INT. A SWEET SHOP - LATER THAT DAY
SHYNE and CAMERON walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my sliver rifles somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly sliver rifles.
You know nothing Cameron Platt.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, DICK appears, holding a pair of sliver rifles.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Shyne, he's got your sliver rifles.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I'm afraid of sausages.
(appalled) Dude!
While DICK is looking at CAMERON with disgust, SHYNE lunges forward and grabs her deadly sliver rifles. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you smelly potato!
No please! All I did was trick a bunch of elderly ladies!
FOREST enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Shyne Carter defender of innocent elderly ladies.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these sliver rifles on you right away!
Because Shyne, I am your father.
SHYNE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
DICK tries to grab the sliver rifles but SHYNE dodges out of the way.
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, DICK slumps to the ground.
Did he just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly sliver rifles.
SHYNE crouches over DICK's body.
Be careful, Shyne. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Dick Sweet is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
CAMERON claps his hands.
So your sliver rifles did save the day, after all.
FOREST steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the smelly vampire?
Forest how long have you been...?
FOREST puts his arm around SHYNE.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Dick Sweet.
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to SHYNE.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Dick Sweet will never trick elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes SHYNE a shiny necklace
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
SHYNE takes the necklace.
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
SHYNE turns to FOREST.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Shyne, of course I want you back!
SHYNE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Cameron.
CAMERON grins.
But...
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Shyne?
I'm sorry Forest, but I think you should skidaddle.
FOREST leaves.
CAMERON turns to SHYNE.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly CAMERON stops.
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?
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